A dusting of my past

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My name is Dezarae’. i am originally from Hutchinson, Kansas. i joined the military at 17 served 4 1/2 years. The military itself was not bad, but i delt with alot concerning people in the military. I taught myself to crochet when i was twelve, havent done much until late 2008. When i crochet and knit it makes me feel like i belong to something. Its the one thing in my life that i can fix if i mess it up. I am working on slowly starting up a business which will be called Making Traditions. Making Traditions is a store for all ages and all sexes. You can learn anything from needlepoint, spinning fibers, crochet, knitting, canning, cooking, baking, vegetable gardening tips, sewing, Quilting, preserving, and freezing. Along with being a one stop shop for all these categories. The motto of my business is “making yesterday’s talents, today’s traditions”. My goal is to find a link between the past and the present to bring families of all generations together. while also providing skills which will come in handy for the rest of one’s life.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas 2009

This makes the eighth year away from home. For I joined the military at the young age of 17, was never able to come home for christmas while serving. i have been out of the military since 2006. I have yet to go home for a christmas, for now i am married with two very small children. I now live in Illinois, my family is in Kansas. This is the second christmas to where my husband has not worked overseas. last christmas we were living in a temporary apartment. no tree, no stockings, nothing but a few presents for the kids. I kept telling myself, next year will be better. Well here we are, although it is better, it has still led to disappointment after disappointment.

Growing up, we always had a tree covered in the crafts my siblings and I had made over the years, the last thing to go on the tree were the candy canes. We could not afford much growing up but that never kept christmas from being our favorite holiday. We would wake up christmas morning to the sounds of christmas on the radio, the smell of a freshly cooked large breakfast which usually consisted with sausage, bacon, eggs, pancakes, toast...ect. Which we would indulge into along with our hot chocolate after we open up the presents from Santa. stockings overflowing with things, such as deodorant, new toothbrushes, misc toys, candy, and there was always an orange int he toe to make the tip of the stocking look nice and plump. Maybe i set myself up for disappointment by maybe setting my standards too high. My husband and I bring in enough money to have a decent christmas.

My goals for this year was to go to a tree farm, ride the horse and buggy, drink apple cider, have the kids pick out a tree, and they would help dad cut it down. We went a couple blocks away and picked up a pre cut tree that was outside a hardware store. a two weeks before christmas.

I wanted to go christmas shopping so that the boys have a SHOCK when they wake up, embracing the tradition of such a holiday. I was always told we will do it next weekend, well although next weekend came and went, no shopping had been done. I feel as if i should of went shopping anyways, but then that would cause issues between my husband and I. His idea of shopping is walking 20Ft into walmart and grabbing whatever toys are displayed. TA'DA done with christmas. no thought into the gift at all. I had to fight to get a few things for the stockings from santa, and to even get a couple of toys for my youngest, for he only bought toys for our oldest. I kept thinking, well there is still more time. Now today is Christmas eve. Our tree which i already had decorations for, from a tree we had bought two or three years prior while my husband was away, my husband went and got decorations that did not include my decision. in fact it was what was probably the cheapest around. I want to wake up to lights glistening, christmas music playing, the fireplace going, the kids in WOW because they tried so hard to be good. and the tradition of christmas to live strong in their hearts. my husband made the comment that if people would stop telling the kids about santa then he wouldn't have to buy them presents. This hurts me. I loved the tradition growing up, i want to share that tradition with my kids. Now i just feel depressed. no candy canes on the tree, not even enough garland to make the tree look decent. and there will be only three presents under the tree for each child which most presents were divided to make it look like there are more presents.

Christmas day in my childhood consisted of us playing with our cousins, grandma always had candy tied to her tree for us and at the end of the day, we had a birthday cake and a modern birthday party to celebrate the birth of christ. this year, my husband even asked me not to knit tomorrow. I am out of my anxiety medication, knitting helps and now i am not allowed to do that around his family. In which i already feel out of place. I keep trying to pick up my broken spirit by saying it will be better next year. but will it?

Like the old saying goes... "There's no place like home" especially for the holidays.

I hope all of you have a holiday filled with happiness and laughter, that your family embraces the loved ones, and may the tradition of santa and Christ live on forever.


  1. Your kids are so cute. It sounds like you had a great family, growing up in KS. It's hard to live up to that high of a standard, especially when both parents have to work these days, when our parents did not. Give yourself a break!

    I can't believe your husband wouldn't let you knit. Maybe you need one of those t-shirts that says "I knit so I won't kill people (and it's cheaper than therapy)."

  2. hahaha, he isnt minding it so much anymore since i started bringing other knitters around. lol.