A dusting of my past

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My name is Dezarae’. i am originally from Hutchinson, Kansas. i joined the military at 17 served 4 1/2 years. The military itself was not bad, but i delt with alot concerning people in the military. I taught myself to crochet when i was twelve, havent done much until late 2008. When i crochet and knit it makes me feel like i belong to something. Its the one thing in my life that i can fix if i mess it up. I am working on slowly starting up a business which will be called Making Traditions. Making Traditions is a store for all ages and all sexes. You can learn anything from needlepoint, spinning fibers, crochet, knitting, canning, cooking, baking, vegetable gardening tips, sewing, Quilting, preserving, and freezing. Along with being a one stop shop for all these categories. The motto of my business is “making yesterday’s talents, today’s traditions”. My goal is to find a link between the past and the present to bring families of all generations together. while also providing skills which will come in handy for the rest of one’s life.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Too tired to sleep.

Wow, Talk about exaustion. I have a 9 month old and a 2 1/2 year old. my 2 year old keeps me runnin ragged. I play with him, chase him, tickle him. I love making him laugh. I started noticing he would put his hand up and say, "NO MOMMY, NO". I could just think to myself, this was weird. Then I turned on dora while i went to do the never ending dishes. I heard in the background "no swiper, no swiping". Then it clicked. He was saying no mommy, no when i was doing something he didnt want me to do, like putting up an item he was too little to have. It was really cute. My 9 month old is almost sleeping all night on his own. Right now it is kinda hard to make him sleep on his own all night, just to let him comfort himself because we are living in a crappy ass one bedroom apt. We own a 3 bedroom house. but when my husband came back from working overseas for the last 5 years, he got a job at the Hines VA hospital which was 2 hours away. And considering he lost his licence in college I had to drive him to and from work. Now that he has his permit back, I can move back into my house.... boy am i excited.

All of my family is in kansas, so it was really hard to live here while he was overseas. I finnally started finding people i can somewhat trust. then we move again. Being an at home mom at the moment, i really dont get much time to socialize. Sometimes i wish i could just act like a normal 24 year old. Although i wouldnt change my family at all, I wish i just had time to let my hair down and be me.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Nightmares, Daymares, whatever you want to call it.

last night was extremely ruff for me. I am starting to realize more and more with each passing day, the military has stripped me of my control of my own thoughts, has stripped me from part of my childhood and has forced me to grow up way too fast.


Last night, after my husband and I went to bed. I couldn't sleep. Every mean thing someone said to me, every mistake i made, every person i encountered problems with, the problems that have occured during my stay with 2-1 Avn Regt, out of Katterbach, Germany, runs on loop in my mind. It hurts. I've been out of the military since 2006 and i still relive the horror every day. I am constantly trying to make people like me in my flashbacks, to try to make things right. But in reality what is done is done. My socal worker for the VA told me to stop blaming myself, that it wasnt anything i did. Although it is nice to hear, how do i learn not to blame myself that i feel like i brought on myself. I was even raped in the military.... twice. But i am not celeb, I am nothing but a number. I am an item, i am replaceable.

well my phone is ringing, g2g!